Is it normal to feel like your heart's being ripped out when you hear your daughter's breath rasping? Like it's your fault, personally, that she's sick and can't breathe well?

'Cause that's SO what's happening right now.

And I keep questioning if I should continue to watch one friend's kids once a week. There are a few reasons ... like having FOUR kids under the age of four running around? It's stressful. It make me wonder (as much as I do want a large family) if I can really HANDLE any more children. My shoulders get tight just thinking about dealing with more than my dynamic duo.
(I will admit that last week's babysitting wasn't so bad, since it was here on my turf. But C had the separation-anxiety breakdown and screamed for around ten minutes. And they kept demanding food --- my friend tells me that they're not hungry, after the fact, it's just that her boys like to eat. Thanks. Maybe mention that BEFORE you leave? Please? --- But at least this time my munchkins didn't eat dog food, drink spoiled milk in a bottle, and I didn't sit in ripened cat urine. --- So, all in all, it was much better. Still stressful, though.)
And now Zoë's sick-sick. I mean, yeah, my kids have been fighting a cold for about two weeks now. And now she's pretty miserable.
And I'm trying not be be pretty darn upset when I read my friend's family newsletter that tells about how sick her boys were ... and I realize that they were, indeed, still sick when I was watching them.Like how the separation-anxiety was actually "I feel miserable, so I want my mom to hold me"-itis.

So I'm ranting a little here. If you have gotten childcare where other children will be around, DON'T SEND YOUR SICK KIDS. It's worth missing a date or a class in order to (1) keep a friendship and (2) stop the othe parent(s) from really being irked.

I don't mind my friend nor her kids. But I don't like feeling like I've been taken advantage of. If it were me, regardless of how much I'm looking forward to or have paid in advance, I feel that my first priority is to keeping people healthy. Not taking a chance at spreading pestilence in order to do my stuff. If I had planned a play date (which I don't ... partly because I've turned into an anti-social old fart), I'd bow out if my kids aren't healthy so as to not infect other little ones. This is yet another reason that I miss storytimes a lot. If your kid has a runny nose, a lot of childcare places will send him/her home (like Corvallis 3rd/4th wards' nursery, for example).
Now, if it's really important to go someplace, get a sitter without small kids. Older kids (like 8+) can handle themselves and know not to slurp up others' slobber or snot. Well, my one-year-olds haven't quite gotten the hang of that principle of personal wellness.
This is why, for my friend's wedding in March, I'm going to try and get one of my sisters-in-law scheduled. (Because [1] my kids love their aunties and [2] neither one of them has small children who might catch the plague-du-jour from my munchkins.)

Yes, I sound self-righteous. I probably am (and please understand that I'm writing this from a stay-at-home mom point of view ... and my friend is another stay-at-home-mom. If you're a working mom, you don't have all the options/leeway that I would. I totally get that. And I know that not everyone has her mom-in-law avaliable to watch grandkids ... in fact I'm losing this VERY soon. And I'm going to miss it. ... Of course, not as much as my MIL will). But right now I'm feeling really guilty when I hear Zo-zo's breath rasping in and out of her little lungs. Bruce's coughing as well. And it's been worse since I watched my friend's kids.

How should I handle this? Should I let her know how upset I am? (Except I hate confrontation ... and I'm worried that I'm going to offend her since I'm rather irked right now.)

I feel really guilty for not protecting my babies nearly enough. I know that I can't stop each and every virus or bug that comes along ... but have I taken their rather-strong immune systems for granted since I was blessed enough that they didn't have to be put in NICU?? I'm trying to do all I can right now: push liquids, lots of naps, some cold medicine, vitamins, lots of nursing (thank God, no really, that I haven't weaned them yet.), humidifier in their room ... but they're still sick. This really sucks.

Should I stop watching her kids until mine get better? If so, I need to contact her right away (her voicemail's funky and she doens't always anwer her phone). Should I let her know (firmly, but gently as I can make it) that if her kids are sick, I don't want mine to get it? If both of her kids are sick, at least they're TALKING and can tell her what's wrong. I have to try to hold two nearly-20-lbs kids that do not have great verbal skills (as yet) and try not to go out of my head with stress and worry.

I just don't know.

But, good news: the boys in the Webelos pack that I'm an assistant in now ... we have some common interests. Namely Weird Al, but I can also discuss Napoleon Dynamite rather well.
I never felt like such an expert on Weird Al or MySpace before. Woot for me.
But I missed putting Bruce and Zoë to bed since I was chatting with the Webelos leader. That made me sad, since I love kissing my babies goodnight. And closing the door as I tell them that I love them. Even if they ARE screaming their fool heads off. For about five minutes. *sigh* Good times.

Also, I pruned some of our shrubs here. And I broke the hedge clippers ... since they're not made to be used as pruning shears. And I didn't really know that. Oops. My bad.
I feel really dumb-dumb poo-poo head about it, too.
Michael said not to feel too bad. Maybe I didn't really break them.
(I hope he's right!)

Also: I read a really good book: The Lookingglass Wars by Frank Beddor. I liked it a whole bunch. Alice in Wonderland meets nineteenth-century London/European history meets fantasy ... I could see boys liking it nearly as much as girls. If I weren't female, I'd want to be Hatter Maddigan. He's tres awesome. He appeals to my inner Buffy.

I'll be starting The Gun Seller by the lusciously-accented Mr. Hugh Laurie. I'm hoping that I like it more than I did Not Enough Indians by Harry Shearer (but his cast of characters descriptions were golden!). I just couldn't get into it. No offense, Mr. Shearer. I'll try it again when the kiddos are in school and I have more free time to concentrate. (He does have a gift with his turn-of-phrases.)

Thanks for letting me rant a bit. If you have any advice, please DO email me. Thanks.

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My mood right now is:

... Burn the land and boil the sea ... - 2007-02-13
This is where you insert a clever title.

'Cause I'm just not coming up with one.

I tried. - 2007-02-08
Floundering here. - 2007-02-05
In which I say "yeah" a lot and "y'all" once. - 2007-02-01
American Idolatry - 2007-01-26

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